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 Hot Sauce
By MacDara, Omnivore (www.infovore.org)
Before.
- Well dude, here we are.
- Yeah. Nice place.
- You think?
- Yeah, the chrome is very...
- Very...? Very tasteful? Authentic?
- I was gonna say 'retro'. Authentic it's definitely not!
- No?
- Hell no!
- And why?
- Because this isn't even America, let alone the 1950s.
- You have a point there, dude.
- Still, it's better than that last place, so I applaud you on your choice.
- Agreed, dude. But the food there does make up for the, um, ambiance.
- True.
- And I was right about the chili, wasn't I?
- I admit it, you were.
- Five alarms, dude.
- Nah! That was a four alarm chili at most!
- Dude! You are such a stickler! But I love ya for it, and that's what brings us here.
- I knew you had a plan up your sleeve. It can never be an ordinary night out with you, can it? Haven't you gotten sick of this yet?
- Nope, can't say I have.
- What have you got planned this time, then? Come on, let's get it over with.
- Now now hang on a minute, dude. You might not think this challenge has been very important to you, but to me... my pride is at stake, dude. Sure, a part of me gets a certain satisfaction from the spectacle, it's great entertainment after all, but my pride is hurting, dude. My pride is at stake. There's a lot of money at stake too but that's beside the point. This thing, it's not just a silly bet any more. It's bigger than you and me now. It's taken on a life of it's own. Sure at first it was just for fun. Shits and giggles and all that. But dude, you had to be too good, didn't you? I'm very impressed, actually. The vindaloo was one thing, but then the tabasco? The whole jar of jalapenos? That was class. And the wasabi? Your eyes didn't even water! I mean, what the...? Are your insides made of cast iron or something?
- Let's just say I have a high tolerance for hot stuff.
- You're too damn modest, dude. Too modest for your own good. You've got a talent there, Mister Hot Stuff, and it's costing me face. And a whole lot of money.
- Easiest money I've ever made.
- Oh you're smiling now, dude, but in a couple of minutes that smile will be long gone. It ends here. Right now.
- You think so?
- I don't think so. I know so. You see, I've been doing my research.
- Research? You?!?
- I'm not as stupid as I look, dude! I searched on the web, I made a few calls, called in a few favours. And my investigations led me right here. You didn't think I chose this place just for the decor, did you?
- Actually, I kinda did. So why here?
- Because this establishment, besides being home of some of the finest burgers in town, is also the only place where you can find this stuff.
- What's that?
- The label says "Ragin' Cajun _Hot Damn!_ Brand Triple-Strength Insanity Sauce", but the guys behind the counter just call it 'Liquid Hell'.
- 'Liquid Hell'?
- Yup! The hottest hot sauce there is. Imported all the way from Mexico via the Texan prison system. They say just one drop is enough to make a grown man weep for days. But I assume they were talking about the average ordinary bloke. I would have tested it myself to make sure, but I already know I'm as ordinary as can be, and besides, I'm not that much of a masochist. You, dude, however, are not an ordinary bloke.
- So what do you want me to do? Put a drop on my tongue and see what happens? I'm up for that, gimme the bottle.
- Hold your horses there, dude! That would be far too easy! No dude, I've got a much better idea.
- Which is?
- I wanna see you drink it.
- Drink it?
- Drink it. The whole bottle. Not that it's full, mind you. There's about two-thirds left, but that's good enough for me.
- You want me... to drink all of that?
- Yep. The whole thing.
- And if I don't?
- And if you don't, you owe me a whole lot of money.
- How much?
- This much.
- That much?
- Told you it was a lot. You should have been keeping track, dude. That money's gonna come in really handy too. Might get myself a new hi-fi, or a DVD player. A top of the range model. The shops are still open for a while, you wanna go to the ATM now or shall we get something to eat first?
- You're not getting any of my money. I'll do it.
- So you're not such a chicken after all!
- Just gimme the bottle.
- Atta boy, dude. Careful you don't spill any. They say it burns. Literally.
- Har-dee-har-har.
- Who said I was joking? You can still back out of this any time you want. As long as you pay me what you owe me.
- Right! I said I'll do it, so I'll do it.
- You're actually gonna go through with this?
- Sure. How bad can it be?
- I admire your confidence, dude. Good luck. You'll need it.
- Here goes...
After.
- Dude! I can't believe you just did that!
-
- Dude?
-
- You okay, dude?
-
- Oh crap.
-
- Eh... somebody get this man a glass of water.
-
- No, scratch the water, make that a milk.
-
- Actually, scratch the glass, make it a pitcher. And call an ambulance.
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